Wednesday, December 10, 2008

First draft: S.E.R.E.N.A

She sits alone at the corner of the room, keeps scribbling on a sheet of paper. Never once, she blinks her eyes. When she feels bored, she wanders around the room trying to find an inspiration. The room is too dull and shabby. There are minimum amount of furniture; a small desk and a chair. She loves the spot which comfy her since she was introduced to the place. That is what she thought. She loves the view from the outside of the window. There are an old oak tree and a swing underneath it. The swing is broken; it is left maybe even before she existed in this world. The cruel world..

“I didn’t have it! You did!” She stood still. She tried hard to maintain her composure. She stared blankly at the floor. She held Darla’s hand tightly, knowing her beloved twin sister was hurt too.

It’s not mine!” He threw the cup onto the floor. Her mother screamed. She closed her eyes, withdrawing from the door. It was mean and she knew it she could no longer bear it. After years of hearing those words, she was angry. She did not have any tears to cry anymore. Still, she loved him, a father who she always peeked from the tiny hole of the door. She always saw her father as a tiny human being. She never had the chance to face him. She was not allowed to.

She only knew her mother. Her mother was ugly just like her. Her father tore her mother’s skin but her mother never complained. She wanted to make her father as ugly as her mother so that her father will love her mother. That was what she has been thinking as she did not know what ‘love’ was supposed to mean. She loved her mother. That was what she thought.

Looking at Darla, she was beautiful. She did not know why, Darla was beautiful but still she was willing to be her friend. She found Darla at the basement of her house while she was looking for her mother. She kept Darla as a secret, as she was afraid her father would choose Darla besides her. Darla resembled the beautiful side of her, she loved looking at her night and day. But now, she hates her.. Darla was evil but she would never spill it out. She was ugly after all, they loved Darla and the utmost importance no one would believe her. Who would believe her? She nods several times. Then, she heads back to the desk. She starts to scribble on another sheet of paper.

“She’s been behaving like that since we admitted her to this asylum,” Ms Jenny observes her from the wall of glass. “..she always draw this.” Ms Jenny gives sheet of papers to the new psychologist who will be taking over Serena’s case. He seems interested to look at them.

“Isn’t this drawing just the same from the crime scene?” He asks.

“Yes and actually these drawing resemble a ‘D’ letter,” she pauses. “What we found out from Serena’s mother, she said that Serena always talking about her friend named Darla. Serena always pointed out that she could not be as beautiful as Darla.” Ms Jenny looks back at Serena. She feels pity for her.

“Serena’s illusionary friend. I heard about that. Do you believe that this “Darla” did not exist?” He asks again.

“It’s not whether I believe or not, it was through the investigation. Who cares what I believed? She was convicted already. Mr Max, may I remind you that we are not here to investigate but to help her.” Ms Jenny lifts her eyebrows to show that she is serious. He smiles and nods.

“Okay, I will tell you a brief report about Serena. This is her file, make sure you read it. You will take over her case starting from next week. Serena is twelve years old. She was abused by her father since childhood and suffered severe injuries. Her mother was the same. They were locked up at the basement of the house to cover her father’s crime. They have no other relatives. They lived in Wearwood. Serena killed her father using a kitchen knife. However, she believed that she was helping her father to become ugly. Before that happened, her mother helped Serena to runaway to call for help. Instead she came looking for his father........”


  1. This is a very interesting story...
    I'm a bit confused in the beginning of the story but my guess is that u wanted ur reader to be puzzled.

    I wonder what the "it" stand for...

    There are some parts of the story that still puzzle me

    In my opinion, the story will be interesting if u expand the ending. maybe a flashback how serena killed her father.

    Great piece of work!!

  2. At first when I read your story. I do not understand at all because I thought you are writing something about your experiences. Well actually it's a story about a child named Serena. So after a first reading, I have to read again to make sure I don’t go out of track. The paragraphs 2,3 and 4 are quite difficult for me to understand. You mentioned that Darla is the beloved twin sister, but later u told us she found that Darla was found somewhere. Later the reader might realize that Darla is actually do not exist. I think the plot of the story could be expanded to make quite a long story. Maybe u want to compress the story so it will become shorter, but u might consider change it to make the readers comprehend it. Hmm some errors that honestly I don’t want to see in your writing. Eg a father who she always peeked, and she knew it she could no longer bear it, if I'm mistaken plz forgive me, and I don’t understand the part that her father threw the cup on the floor, the character should be explained more. And her father tore the skin part; I hope u can explain more. After all a good story whereby you can make it lots better ok keep up!!

  3. A good piece of work.
    It is confusing when I read the first few paragraphs. I even have mistaken it as a fairy tales. However at the end of the line I find out that it is actually about a girl named Serena.
    I really like the way you describe the story based on the perspective of an abused girl. I didn't even think I could come out with something like this.

  4. It is very interesting and love the plots. a very good story. you elaborate it very well. a

    i see you write the story from the different point of view?am i right? please point out if i'm not. For the first paragraph, is it from serena point of view?why it is in present tense?just want the clarifiation.
    because i'm quite confused when i reached the last few paragraphs. i love the ending since it reveals, but still quite confusing.

    anyhow....your story is good.congrats!

  5. my draft, this is my response due to your questions:

    wow2.. quite controversial.. hehe dat means my first attempt to make you all feel puzzled is a success. First of all, I agree that I did not explain much on the characters which make all of u r quite confused.

    As for lupikirlah sendiri, at first u r the most puzzled person here because of ur expectation. You already expect that I write about my own experience. Well, for me dat is ur mistake. You should'nt expect but read first before u expect any better from me. The title itself does not have anything to do with me.

    As for hanmie, yes, i did it in different points of view, and I'm glad that you noticed that. Ok, the first and a few last paragraphs are in present tense because they happen at the same time. While in the middle is a flashback. Happen before now.

    Thanx for all of your comment. I'll try to improve in my second draft.

  6. Owh n another thing lupikirlah sendiri, I do not think that there is something wrong with Darla, whether she ever exists or not. That is what I want the readers to think about. You are dealing with a mentally sick person like Serena, I will left it to ur own imagination and judgement. But can u see dat her father is far more mentally ill than her? well, my story really gives a brain tortured. hehe

    And babysbreath, how Serena killed her father, I will consider about it or maybe I will left it remains unknown. It depends on my flow of ideas (i must think of sthg).. huhu thnx for the suggestion.

  7. ha'ah, lbey kurang ar..ingat nnt nk sambung jd novel...if ada masa..huhuhu